I don't mean to be melodramatic, but I've been stuck in a nasty dark night lately.
I've feel very remote from God, and it's been terrible. It's awful to feel separated from something that usually gives me so much comfort, especially at a time when comfort is so hard to find. I'm don't doubt God's existence; I just feel like we don't have anything to say to each other right now. It's like God and I are teenage girls who had a nasty fight, so we're avoiding each other at parties until we both cool off.
The way I see God and the world is changing, and it's stressful to be going through such major growing pains at a time when I'm already exhausted. I'm really annoyed that this is happening now since I'm already pretty freaking busy mourning the death of my father! I'm pissed that I'm spending my time working through a bunch of existential angst instead of curling up in a big, snugly God blanket of comfort and hope.
Being upset with God is such a difficult thing to talk about because it's so strange and private. Most people know that I'm religious, and a lot of people have wanted to comfort me with those terrible religious platitudes that annoy me on a good day (Seriously, if I never hear "God only gives us as much as we can handle" again it will be too soon). I want to shush them and say "Please just stop. God and I are having a moment right now, so I wish you'd stop being silly."
I wish there was a neat solution to this issue, but there isn't. This is just another part of my life that needs plenty of time to work itself out.
This whole situation sucks. God knows it sucks. Yell at God about how much it sucks--you will feel better and He will still love you.
ReplyDeleteI feel you. I've had a big disconnect lately, and feel the same way you do - we just don't have much to say to each other right now.
ReplyDeleteI hope that things get better for you. And for me as well.