Cooking

Now that Dad is dead I feel like my day is full of crying booby-traps. It turns out that some of the worst ones are set in the kitchen.

Eating and planning meals has become really sad and challenging. My dad has been so sick over the last two years that he had to abandon almost all of his hobbies. Eating was one of the few things that he was still able to enjoy towards the end of his life. He was also basically bed-bound for the last two years, so my mom and I made all of his foods. Over the last few years I made my dad hundreds of meals, and I know his likes and dislikes the way a mother knows her toddler.

This specific, now useless, set of knowledge has made mealtimes one of the saddest parts of my day.It's terrible to open the pantry and to make food for just myself. I had a can of peaches last night, and I cried because I couldn't give him the other half. So many foods just devastate me: white bread, ice cream, Coca Cola, Kraft macaroni and cheese, candy bars, frozen waffles, everything fast food or take-out (I know it looks lie we were trying to kill him with preservatives, but that's what he liked!).

The grocery store is horrible too. It feels terrible to walk past the cakes and doughnuts without stopping to get him a box. Preparing his food was such a huge part of my life as his caretaker, and I just can't believe that it's over. I think it's going to take a while to get used to cooking for one or two.