Wednesday, May 30, 2012

I'm Really Going to Need for You to Stay Alive.

My mom has had a bad flu this week, and it is freaking me out.

My grandmother died when I was 17, and afterwards I developed this terrible fear that something bad would unexpectedly happen to my mother. We got into a routine: whenever I would get nervous, I would say, "Mom, when are you going to die?" She would immediately answer back "Never. Never ever ever."

The phobia had lessened as I got older, but after my dad's death it's back with a vengeance. Rational Stephanie knows that this is common stress response in people who have lost a parent, but it doesn't make the fear any less real. Dad's death has been horrible; if something happened to my mother, I honestly think I might loose my mind.

I think part of the problem is my absolute belief that terrible things happen all the time. In the last ten years I've lost  6 close family members, and most of their deaths were terrible in their own way. I also spent years caring for my father, and watched as his body failed. I guess what I'm trying to express is that I firmly believe that terrible things happen to OK people. That doesn't mean there aren't millions of good things: it just means that I'm a believer because I've already seen the shit hit the fan.

For now, I need to talk myself down from the crazy ledge and remember that sometimes a cough is just a cough. In the meantime, let's all hope that my mom gets to feeling better really soon.

1 comment:

  1. Stephanie - I'm such a fan of your blog. Your writing is honest, poised, and so incredibly real. I know you have been through a lot -- the worst -- and look to you as a woman of immeasurable strength. I hope to God that I never have to deal with the things you've dealt with in the last few years, but if I do, I hope to meet them with the courage that you have.

    Hugs and prayers for you.

    <3 Liz Robens

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