Sunday, May 20, 2012

Real Friends Let You Puke In the Grass

One of the things that people don't always realize about grief is how much it screws up your body. Since Dad went into the nursing home I've gained too much weight, lost a lot of hair, developed stress-induced canker sores/aches/panic attacks, and started vomiting up bile due to excessive acid production in my stomach. I'm on meds for all of it, but I would really prefer not to be the hairless, chubby puker at the party. Unfortunately only time is going to fix it, so I just have to roll with it until things get better.

This weekend I was at a wedding in my college town. It was my first big non-school related event, so it was pretty stressful. I did really well through the wedding and the reception, but I was toast by the time we got to the after party. While everyone else was inside drinking and watching "Wizard People, Dear Reader", one of my guy friends and I were sitting out back on the porch having quiet time so that my heart didn't explode from being around so many people at one time.

We were having a really nice time catching up until I realized that my body was panicking and I needed to puke. My friend offered to take me inside to find a bathroom, but I couldn't face walking through a room full of people, even people that I love. So instead I convinced him that we should just go out into the field behind the house where one is free to puke in privacy to their hearts content.

So that's what we did. He didn't bat an eye, and it was kind of touching. One of my oldest buddies wanted to do me a kindness, and he realized that meant he needed to take me out into a field so that I could vomit in peace and quiet. I was still in my wedding clothes, so he told me I was the prettiest puking person he had ever seen. When he asked if I needed anything, I asked if he would hold my pearl necklace for me so that I wouldn't get it dirty. He immediately held out his hand to take it from me, and he stayed with me until I was done and I was ready to go back to the deck. When then picked up our conversation right where it left off, as though nothing bizarre had happened.

I feel like so often people want to help, but they don't know how, and they're so scared that they're going to mess it up. However, it's really not so hard. My friend saw the problem, and he helped me fix it without making me feel weird about it. He didn't blanch at how gross or intimate it was; he saw the need, and he helped me because he cares and wanted me to feel better. It was such a kind act of presence, and I'm grateful that I didn't have to be alone.

That's really the key to supporting people after a big loss: do whatever they need, when they need it, with as much support as you can muster. Anybody can support you when it's comfortable or convenient for them. It takes a great friend to hold your pearls and tell you how pretty you look while you puke in the yard.


3 comments:

  1. Sounds like a pretty great guy. I'm glad he was able to be there for you when you needed him. Thanks for writing this stuff, Stephanie. I hope it is helpful for you and even though I haven't really been involved/we don't know each other well, I care about you and I am glad to be able to know what's going on, I guess. Keep on rolling with the punches, and let me know if there is anything I can do.

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  2. Thanks Marie. I really do appreciate the support. It's nice to get this stuff out there in kind of a non-aggressive way. People can read it if they want, or leave it if they don't.

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  3. You've got a reader in Colorado.

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